Day one.
I am exhausted.
Exhausted from begging you to have mercy on me when I have no one else to turn to. You are the only one capable of offering me salvation. You say you are sorry but you still refuse to offer me anything but breadcrumbs of staged affection. Keeping me sweet. Keeping me at a safe distance.
So you can inevitably destroy me completely x
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Cataclysm. The moments where the world stops turning and you find yourself yet again, perhaps, if your life has been as disastrous as mine, picking up another new lens to view it. You have to view it. Watch it. Take it in. Absorb it. Feel the burning agony of devastation running the tracks of your…
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I feel sick. I reacted and now the potential consequences of my reaction are sinking in. Whatever justification I had at the time – all but lost in this overriding wave of guilt I have. Because you were nice today. Tomorrow is hanging over me. It feels as though the grim reaper is hiding right…
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Sometimes, even in a refuge, you are still not safe from abuse are you my darling? You still have your ways to me….to ruin each day and destroy me. Is it even irony? I don’t know anymore…..who is writing the script for this shitshow of my life? Surely we are past the realms of feasibile…
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Navigating town in a wheelchair is like playing a video game but the jump button isn’t working and the joystick is stuck askew, so you are constantly overcompensating for it. It’s just exhausting, and people have the audacity to say “that looks fun!” when I’m going downhill……seriously? Do they think these things through, it’s up there…
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So you text today. I didn’t lose my shit. I kept it together, just. I was nearly tempted to go down the rabbit hole and follow the circles of doom you were creating. I stopped myself. I spotted it and held back. Bit my lip so to speak. ….. I saw your comment about her.…
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Exodus may be an exaggeration. It just feels so epic and gut wrenching that it deserves a grandiose title today. I didn’t even finish explaining about all that went on this past month, and I already feel I’ve lived a month more in just a day. Felicia is gone. Gone gone. I don’t know what…
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Can I bear to even think about you? Can I even cast my mind back the past few weeks just one moment without shedding an excruciating tear? I can’t. What have you done to me? Who have I had to become because of you? X
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Relationships are gruelling. I wouldn’t know how I’d keep on existing without them, but Fuck they’re hard work aren’t they? So many ups and downs and twists and turns in here. Fracas amidst celebrations. Blissful companionship intertwined with fraught tensions between inner circles and cliques. A world I’ve never really understood or much cared for,…
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I can’t really describe what it has been like here. It has been a roller-coaster, a whirlwind, a sanctuary, a prison and big brother house to label a few descriptors if I were to portray the last few weeks of my time at the refuge. The emotions have come rolling in thick and fast. Warm…
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* Starting again * I Where do I even begin? Refuge life is a whole new world to me. I crash landed with a bang as always, I don’t think life has ever been any different. I was unphased and immune to critical gaze from a very young age. It doesn’t not hurt, it just…
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Day Two. Tomorrow is inevitable. What will my fate be? Was today a better day between us? Can I cling on to that sliver of hope there may be mercy in your heart for me after all? I’m not sure. My head tells me one thing, my heart cries another. Where are reason and clarity…
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